2 Year Reflections
The past couple of weeks I have been reflecting a lot on what 2 years in Spain has meant for me. So this post is more me processing than anything else, but if you're interested in knowing what's in my brain, read on.
Before coming to Spain the longest I had ever lived outside of Canada for was 6 months. I had no idea what 2 years would look like and now looking forward I see that in order to complete my term I have less time left than I have now been here for.
The week before I moved to Spain, I remember lying in my bed at night talking to God. Telling him how I had absolutely no idea what to expect. How I couldn't even imagine what life would be like and how the idea of speaking Spanish was such a crazy idea to me. I remember wondering about how I would drive, or where I would live. What grocery shopping would be like or how I would make friends. God didn't answer any of those things for me during that time, but he did promise that he would be with me.
Now 2 years later I can't imagine life outside of Spain. I can't imagine not only talking in Spanish but also thinking in Spanish (I often now have a hard time staying in English or finding the words I want to express myself in English, not mention the trouble I have reading and writing in English now). I have become so accustomed to driving standard that when I borrowed a friends automatic car I struggled as I looked for the clutch and the gear shift, without even thinking about it. I think that this has become a bit of a metaphor for me.
When I first moved to Spain everything took so much energy and brain power and I constantly had to pay attention to everything. Just like when I was learning how to drive standard. I had to constantly think about shifting and the clutch as well as all the other things that were happening outside of the car. But as time went on, it became more natural, instinctual, until I came to a point where it felt weird to not be shifting. I am at a point where life is comfortable. I can go to the grocery store without worrying about what brands are good or wondering if I can find what I'm looking for. I can mostly talk on the phone in Spanish without too much panic in my voice. I can have a conversation with friends in Spanish without constantly translating everything in my brain. All of this and more feels like such a gift from God. And yet, I know I have so much further to go.
There is still lots of Spanish that I don't know (even though I passed the B2 doesn't mean I am fluent!). And I have lots of big decisions to make about ministry and where to live and what church to go to. So although I have gotten comfortable in some ways, I am constantly living in a state of change. I don't know if I will ever be 100% comfortable ever again.
And on top of all of that I have this constant longing for "home". I am realizing more and more that "home" is not a location. 3 months into my term here in Spain I returned to Canada for my grandmother's funeral and I remember missing "home" which was Spain (or so I thought). At the same time I am constantly missing "home" (Canada). But in reality, home, is the people that I have come to love. The people that have impacted me and that I have had the opportunity to impact. Home is my family and friends in Canada, as well as my new "family" and friends here in Spain, and around the world. I will always be missing out on some event somewhere, and I will always be missing someone until we reach heaven. I guess that just gives me more to look forward to.
But all that being said. I have been so very blessed. 2 years of highs and lows, the good, the bad and the ugly. Two years of depending on God more than I ever have. Two years of learning who I am and what purposes God has for me. Two years of understanding Him and His love for others more. Two years of growing in my passion for Him. These two years have been some of the hardest I have ever lived, and yet I am so incredibly thankful for all God has done and for bringing me on this journey. But more than anything else I am thankful that through all of these highs and lows, all the changes and all learning and growing that He has never changed and He has never left me. In the midst of my crazy life, I can keep going, when I keep my eyes on Him.
"We have all these great people around us as examples. Their lives tell us what faith means. So we, too, should run the race that is before us and never quit. We should remove from our lives anything that would slow us down and the sin that so often makes us fall. 2 We must never stop looking to Jesus. He is the leader of our faith, and he is the one who makes our faith complete. " Hebrews 12:1-2 (ERV)
Before coming to Spain the longest I had ever lived outside of Canada for was 6 months. I had no idea what 2 years would look like and now looking forward I see that in order to complete my term I have less time left than I have now been here for.
The week before I moved to Spain, I remember lying in my bed at night talking to God. Telling him how I had absolutely no idea what to expect. How I couldn't even imagine what life would be like and how the idea of speaking Spanish was such a crazy idea to me. I remember wondering about how I would drive, or where I would live. What grocery shopping would be like or how I would make friends. God didn't answer any of those things for me during that time, but he did promise that he would be with me.
Now 2 years later I can't imagine life outside of Spain. I can't imagine not only talking in Spanish but also thinking in Spanish (I often now have a hard time staying in English or finding the words I want to express myself in English, not mention the trouble I have reading and writing in English now). I have become so accustomed to driving standard that when I borrowed a friends automatic car I struggled as I looked for the clutch and the gear shift, without even thinking about it. I think that this has become a bit of a metaphor for me.
When I first moved to Spain everything took so much energy and brain power and I constantly had to pay attention to everything. Just like when I was learning how to drive standard. I had to constantly think about shifting and the clutch as well as all the other things that were happening outside of the car. But as time went on, it became more natural, instinctual, until I came to a point where it felt weird to not be shifting. I am at a point where life is comfortable. I can go to the grocery store without worrying about what brands are good or wondering if I can find what I'm looking for. I can mostly talk on the phone in Spanish without too much panic in my voice. I can have a conversation with friends in Spanish without constantly translating everything in my brain. All of this and more feels like such a gift from God. And yet, I know I have so much further to go.
There is still lots of Spanish that I don't know (even though I passed the B2 doesn't mean I am fluent!). And I have lots of big decisions to make about ministry and where to live and what church to go to. So although I have gotten comfortable in some ways, I am constantly living in a state of change. I don't know if I will ever be 100% comfortable ever again.
And on top of all of that I have this constant longing for "home". I am realizing more and more that "home" is not a location. 3 months into my term here in Spain I returned to Canada for my grandmother's funeral and I remember missing "home" which was Spain (or so I thought). At the same time I am constantly missing "home" (Canada). But in reality, home, is the people that I have come to love. The people that have impacted me and that I have had the opportunity to impact. Home is my family and friends in Canada, as well as my new "family" and friends here in Spain, and around the world. I will always be missing out on some event somewhere, and I will always be missing someone until we reach heaven. I guess that just gives me more to look forward to.
But all that being said. I have been so very blessed. 2 years of highs and lows, the good, the bad and the ugly. Two years of depending on God more than I ever have. Two years of learning who I am and what purposes God has for me. Two years of understanding Him and His love for others more. Two years of growing in my passion for Him. These two years have been some of the hardest I have ever lived, and yet I am so incredibly thankful for all God has done and for bringing me on this journey. But more than anything else I am thankful that through all of these highs and lows, all the changes and all learning and growing that He has never changed and He has never left me. In the midst of my crazy life, I can keep going, when I keep my eyes on Him.
"We have all these great people around us as examples. Their lives tell us what faith means. So we, too, should run the race that is before us and never quit. We should remove from our lives anything that would slow us down and the sin that so often makes us fall. 2 We must never stop looking to Jesus. He is the leader of our faith, and he is the one who makes our faith complete. " Hebrews 12:1-2 (ERV)
Comments
Post a Comment