What does it mean?
Why do we have it?
I feel like sometimes all I want is for it to go away while other times I'm frantically grasping at it, begging it not to leave me.

When I was fourteen, one of my friends died in a car accident and it hurt so much I would beg God to take the pain away. Yet over time, as the pain slowly began to decrease I found myself trying to bring the hurt back. Try to feel the deep agony. Trying to bring her memory back. Trying not to lose her.

Today I find myself in a similar situation. Many times, Im hurting so deeply and so completely that I beg God to take it all away and remind me of His goodness and bless me with His peace. Yet at other times when He has blessed me with such a gift, I find myself placing myself in situations where I can feel the hurt, where I can grasp at what used to be. Where I can pretend like nothing has changed. Where I pretend I haven't lost anything.

Yet I know this cannot be. I need to allow healing when given and I need to remember what I had in a good way. A way that is positive and uplifting. A way that is productive and not destructive to my ability to function.

Can we still remember someone without pain? Do we remember them in the right way if it doesn't hurt? I think we can. Focusing on God and not our situations allows us to move past the pain and focus on the good. To remember positives. I think that there will always be even slight pain (if not overwhelming pain) when we lose something or someone that we love dearly. The important part is for us not to focus on the pain, but on the healing; on the Healer. To remember, but not live in the past.

I want to be able to feel the pain, acknowledge it and then continue on. Pretending like it doesn't exist isn't productive and neither is dwelling on it. Only God can help us, can help me find the perfect balance.

As I sit here remembering the good and preparing to take another tiny step towards healing,  I wonder how many people are stuck. Frozen. Needing to be freed. I pray that they too will be able to take joy in the baby steps that are needed to heal.


  1. Darling, I love you!

    This is whole post is well-said! You are so right: "Pretending like it doesn't exist isn't productive and neither is dwelling on it. Only God can help us, can help me find the perfect balance." Dearone, keep taking the little steps.. God is obviously doing something beautiful in you, and oddly enough, the pain doesn't last forever, and it doesn't have to take us down with it. You are making beautiful strides towards letting it have its purpose in you, but not letting it set up a long-lasting dictatorship :). I love you, Beastie; so stinkin' much.


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